Once again, I'm running late with this week's post, and although I haven't been writing- I have been thinking. A lot. This week has had some great moments but I've also found it to be a tough week as (without trying to sound like the Ariel/Persil advert) I've had a load on my mind. I'm worried that I'm changing; but changing for the worse. I'm concerned that in order to function and continue in the most 'normal' way possible, I am becoming detached from my real feelings. Almost like I've switched off my emotions and become a tough, hardened bit**. I always try to be a good person- to be there for my friends and my brothers; even people I don't know too well- I would offer an ear and my time to listen and advise others in the best way I know how. However recently, not through not wanting to be there, I've found that although I've listened, heard and physically been present, mentally, I'm miles away. I just keep telling myself...you think this is an issue, try a real issue like having a double transplant. If it is a transplant you're going through, then I am here to help, but how can I get flustered over a job loss or a horrible boss? I just can't. For example, the other day a close friend called me pretty upset that she had lost her job. After listening to her express her disappointment at the situation for a couple of minutes, I had completely switched off disinterested. I said to her, you're healthy, you're about to go on holiday, you're planning a wedding and moving house- what on earth can you be miserable about?At the end of the day, its a fucking job. You'll find another one; if it's not tomorrow or the next day- you still have fully functioning kidneys that are healthy and working. I just can't get phased by these (insignificant) things anymore. This is why I am concerned that I am changing for the worse. I never used to be so cold hearted. I always used to be sympathetic and empathetic to most problems/ stresses. I even know what it's like to lose your job with none to little warning, so in fact, I should totally understand what my friend is going through.
I spoke to Jill my nurse, about these concerns the other day. Surprisingly, she said these feelings are totally normal. She recommended I started Mindfulness. She thought it might be beneficial for me to learn how to switch my brain off at times. I replied 'That's all well and good. But to turn the brain off, it has to be 'on' to start with'. She was not impressed with my sarky comment ;-(
On a serious note, she might actually be right. If nothing else, it might get me into some good habits in regards to sleeping well, having less chaotic dreams and generally learning how to manage and balance my emotions.
The other thing I figured out over the last week (which is also making me feel uneasy about myself) is why I can't spend time with myself. I always have to be busy. Running from one thing to another, day in and day out. I have to be out with people and doing something the whole time; and if a plan gets cancelled, I majorly panic. How the hell am I going to spend the next few hours? As an emergency, I end up going shopping or walking around Brent Cross just so I don't sit alone; Because sitting alone is frightening and isolating. Sitting alone allows thinking time and over- thinking time. And over thinking leads to anxiety and panic attacks. What if I don't get my transplant? What if my body rejects the organs? What if? what if? what if? what if I die before I'm 35? I can't bear the thinking and the places my mind takes me to. That's why there is nothing more daunting than an evening or afternoon without a distraction or an arrangement. With this in mind, please just ask if I have plans for whenever, because I would appreciate being able to tag along somewhere rather than being stuck there...there in my mind.
I actually read a great quote this week that said 'As you spend most your life stuck inside your mind, make sure it's a happy place to be'. So true, so very, very true.
In other news, I got offered the position as a Peer Support worker at Jami. I'm really excited to join the charity and help people through their own struggles, like Jami supported me. I don't know too much at the moment, but I do know I will have to go on some training days along the way and I'm just excited to get involved with something new and something worth while. In addition, Jami are making a small documentary about me and how the charity helped me tackle my own anxiety. The amazing team at Jami supported me through the college application process; filling out the forms; taking me to the assessments and interviews etc which have enabled me to qualify as a LSA. Without them, I don't know where I'd be today- physically and mentally.
So yeah, this Thursday is my big debut. A camera crew is coming over to film me, to tell my story (as apparently, it's inspirational) for their Rosh Hashanah gala fundraiser dinner. I'm usually the person holding the camera, not the person in front of it- so I can't say I'm not nervous about this...
However, if I want to be mates with David Beckham, I gotta get in front of the camera some how. I mean, its not like Victoria had much talent in front of a camera either (ouch); so adding to my new TV fame, I've also been asked to help with the NHS Organ Donation Campaign. I had a telephone interview on Friday about how I ended up on the transplant list. They use our individual stories to raise awareness about the need for healthy people to join the Donor register. So, if you see me in the newspaper one day, don't be surprised. Like I've said before, we all have to do our bit.
Do your bit by signing up and opting in:
https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/register-to-donate/register-your-details/ www.organdonation.nhs.uk
That's kinda where we are this week. A lot of thinking and a lot of doing. Keep reading and sharing and being good people. Love, Jess x
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