A Week On- Bloggo no. 5:

I've now survived my rather intense day on the third floor Kidney department. It’s now all over until next month- August 1st to be precise. (The appointments always fall on the same day). Thank you to all the kind souls that went out of your way to message me to ask how things went. Just knowing that I’m in your thoughts makes everything that little bit easier to cope with. This heat however, is not so easy to manage. I’ve been on a 35 minute bus ride and I’ve had to come home to shower. Bring me my winter coat over these temperatures any day of the week!

So, if there is any good news in all this, its that the kidneys are currently remaining stable. There are no significant drops or changes since the last lot of bloods. The down side is that I feel shit most of the time, but until things deteriorate a little bit more, there is nothing to be done. I think I am happy about this. I was dreading hearing the word DIALYSIS yesterday, and thank goodness G-d heard my prayers. I suppose, we just need to hang on in there and remain busy and positive. On the downside, it means that my life is sort of on hold for a bit longer. It means that I could be hanging on for about 18 months before I have the transplant- and then the recovery is a whole other issue. At least if the op was done sooner rather than later, I could start focussing on the future. I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo at the moment. All my friends are getting married and waiting for babies; having their bags packed by the door ready to give birth and I have my bag packed….ready to receive Kevin and Patricia. Lets hope we get the call. 

I’ve become so nervous answering the phone recently (especially when it’s a number I don’t recognise- the Uber driver must have thought I was barmy when I kept telling him how pleased/relieved I was to hear his voice, and that he wasn't the Oxford hospital call I thought he was)! One thing I did forget to mention is that my double transplant happens to be in Oxford and not at the Royal Free. I will be whisked away up there for 2-4 weeks approx depending on how smooth the surgery goes. So, if you’re planning a weekend away or a trip to Bicester, try and hold on. You can combine it with a visit to see me at the Oxford University Hospital! I do like a good trip to Bicester Village, I have to say…

Today i was asked to attend a course at Jami- It was on Borderline Personality Disorder. It was interesting and informative as well a good distraction to everything that’s been going on. I met some fascinating people that shared their struggles; and although they are completely different from my own, it was a great reminder that we all have our own battles to fight. Facebook is great, I use it regularly, if not too much, but the lives we portray on social media might not necessarily be the full picture. It’s easy to think that everyone is having a dandy time, out partying and holidaying out in Israel, but remember there are always people worse off than you. I try and tell myself this- especially on a bad day. I try and keep strong by looking at the good things in my life. Actually, I like to note the developments in my life from where I was this time last year or 2 years ago. I know my kidneys were not in such a mess this time last year, but last year I had not qualified as a LSA, I was not in a job that I actually love and don’t mind going to each week; I have some truly amazing friends- as well as now having a couple of extended/ adopted nieces and nephews that I get to watch grow. So, when push comes to shove, its not all bad. 

The one thing that does get me down however is when I see young girls with their mums and dads. I had a wonderful childhood, but I miss those times. The fun and easy times where all this serious adult stuff didn't get in the way. I wish I had kept more memories and appreciated the family times more when we had them. I remember my dad taking me to school on the bus each day. He would walk me to my classroom and read the lunch menu for the day. He would joke by telling me that we had monkey eyeballs with frog pasta to eat or cat tails with broccoli. All the other girls in my class loved my dad, and to this day, he is still one heck of a person who doesn't deserve the shit I put him through. That goes for all my family though. I don’t think my dad has read my blog yet, but if he has, I LOVE YOU DAD. Or, if he’s not reading it, and you are AND you happen to see him, just remind him that Jess thinks he’s a very special person…

Keep reading folks as I’m genuinely finding these entries really beneficial to me and my current state of mind. Keep drinking water in the heat and catch you soon. Love, Jess