So, I’ve had a few days away from the screen due to being at the hospital on Friday and having my best friend’s wedding yesterday. Although I’ve not been physically typing, the blog has not been far from my mind. I have been thinking about my feelings; whats been going on medically and just general life events related to my Diabetes that you might find of use/ of interest.

I am however just going to take a moment to recognise something completely unrelated? 

My Uber rating has increased from 9.4 to 9.45. I’m on my way to great things- I can just see it…

Seriously though, there has been a lot going on. I had some bloods done on Friday and I’m praying for my results to be stable. I will receive them in one of my appointments this week; the one with my amazing consultant Dr Woolfson (not the psychologist). Each time the Creatinine drops, I feel that bit closer to Dialysis, that bit more concerned for what my future holds. I just hope I have a future. Each time my kidney function declines, the margin between being well and being ill decreases and everything becomes that bit more crucial. My margin for having ‘an off’ day is constantly on the decline as I don’t have the luxury of anymore ‘lucky escapes’- my body can’t handle any more ‘off days’. An iffy tummy for me usually results with a mid-night visit to A&E and another missed day at work.

I have found that my only way of coping is by taking each day literally as it comes. I break my day in to 3 segments- a morning, a lunch time and an evening. Each third I remain out of hospital has been a good day. I no longer plan a month ahead, or even a few days in advance as I have learned not to push time away; not to take time for granted- just to focus on the now rather than ‘the next’. How can I enjoy the now if I am always looking beyond and what I am going  to be doing in a few hours or tomorrow? I’ve learned the hard way as on more than one occasion, the ‘thing’ I was so looking forward to, has had to be cancelled or postponed due to an unexpected hospital admission. 

If anything vaguely positive has come out of this transplant, its me learning to appreciate what I have now, in this present moment. I used to fall into the crippling habit of looking back, regretting my past and my previous decisions and say to myself….If only I could go back to when I was 10, I’d do everything so differently’. I’d look through rose tinted glasses and think that ‘if I found that perfect job’ or ‘earned X amount of money’ then I would suddenly be happy and all my woes would miraculously get fixed. This is only damaging and unhelpful, trust me.

I can’t allow myself to think about the transplant and all the \what ifs’. It maybe naive or burying my head in the sand- but at the moment I need to put all my energies into getting through the next few months and staying out of the RFH. Jill, my Diabetic nurse once told me that the patients of hers that had a successful transplant were always going to do well as they had the right mental attitude. Similarly, those that didn’t make it, were never going to. This was caused by their inability to focus on the positive outcome, the end goal, the good in their lives. I have to envisage the future I want, the future I see myself having- whether that’s me walking my 5 dogs on a beach or me running a global illustration company or me sitting at home with 4 children. It doesn’t matter what the goal is, as long as I have one far away from the hospital dominated life I’ve been living for way too long.

Over the past week, I have noticed many of the common side effects of Kidney failure as listed on the internet and in the leaflets. I’ve become increasingly tired/ shattered/ exhausted/ knackered etc- so much so, that I’m requiring an afternoon nap most days at the moment; and this lack of energy is really getting me down. Your twenties and thirties are meant to be when you’re at your most vibrant, most energetic, able to party all night etc. I can party until 3.30pm before needing a snooze. I know this as I keep falling asleep on my friend’s sofa-  and thats after the nap I’ve had on the bus ride over to my dear friend! I’ve also been experiencing pain in my legs. They ache constantly and feel like they used to after a major leg session at the gym- although, who we kidding…we all know the closest I’ve got to the gym recently was to the gym cafe!

The doctor said that all the symptoms were normal side effects, so I suppose the relief comes in the fact they are not worried. I just need to keep busy, stay positive and keep doing more of what makes me happy…